And The Winner Is…NOT ME
Posted on | June 12, 2008
So I decided to check my ten lottery tickets.
You see that’s what I do.
I save them up and check them all at once.
It’s a minor pleasure to piss off Convenience Store Clerks.
I see their eyes roll back in their head and depending on the nationality1 vomit out some kind of curse in a foreign tongue and with body language and thick accent remind me that I’m being very inconvenient.
Imagine that….inconvenience in a convenience store.
But when you save them up like that there’s this thought running through your mind.
“What if this is it?”
And the big piss off is, it doesn’t even have to be the big win. You think, $50 thou would do.
Hell at this point five bucks would be nice.
A free ticket.
Screw it! Just buy me a coffee!
Alas by the obvious title, I’m sure you have guessed that I didn’t win.
ANYTHING.
In fact the term, “NOT A WINNING TICKET” started to become a mantra.
Only thing missing was sitting cross-legged on the floor, middle finger touching thumb and head lolling about like a, “…well-cooked piece of asparagus.” 2
See, in Ontario3 when you win there’s this happy little song.
When you don’t - a mellifluous, genteel, feminine voice with condescending tone speaks the words you don’t want to hear.
But being a bilingual Canada I wasn’t patronized just in English but in French as well.
So I took my tickets and in a moment of Mike Myers mockery I tore them up and cursed under my breath.
There goes my retirement plan!
- I’m being equally non-biased here [↩]
- Hindu Guru - “The Simpsons” episode: “Kamp Krusty” [↩]
- Canada, that is [↩]
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June 12th, 2008 @ 8:13 pm
I’m CONSTANTLY winning the California Lottery.
won 3 or 4 times. i can’t remember. all those millions look the same afer a while.
June 12th, 2008 @ 11:45 pm
Well, do you need a water boy? Luggage carrier. General peon? I’m your man. I’ll shine your shoes and park your car!