Rambling Thoughts (originally titled - Screwed for Roman Numeral Thirteen)
Posted on | May 25, 2007
Dayam,
It’s been a long time since I wrote something.
Well that’s not true.
I wrote a beautiful (if I do say so myself) tribute to my Mother’s passing.
The day it happened, all the feelings that were boiling in me at that point: Only to have it close down with nothing saved.
I’ve let it go.
I’m sure now you can sleep.
So I’ve been using facebook. I don’t know if you know it but it’s a meeting place and the people that have come out of the wood work has been, well, amazing.
I mean people I haven’t talked to in, like, over twenty years.
Twenty years. My God!
This month is the 30th anniversary of the release of Star Wars.
Is it age that causes us to say…I REMEMBER THAT DAY!
The day I saw it, before the Imperial Destroyer came on screen, while the opening scrawl was lifting up the screen I thought, "Meh, what’s the big deal?"
Of course it revolutionized my life.
It got me reading, writing, pretending.
Believing in something other than my own, dirty, existence.
When I was a kid, life was tough. Sad that millions of people can claim that right.
Both parents were alcoholics, I was constantly picked on at school, called "Fag" (how the fuck did they know?), low self esteem…but Star Wars gave me a dream to fall back on.
The toys. OHHHH the toys.
Every week I’d get five dollars for an allowance.
I’d get a new action figure. I could never afford the vehicles.
I remember the day clearly getting my "Yoda".
As an adult I went out and purchased a whole freakin’ slew of action figures.
Now, even on Ebay, they’re not worth anything and I’m wondering, "What the hell do I do with my fifteen boxes of Star Wars stuff?"
As a boy, I wanted so desperately to be Luke Skywalker.
Of course, as a man, I’m more Princess Leia than anything else.
I don’t mind it though. I liked Princess. And hell, I could only HOPE to look that good in a metal bikini.
Work is work. I’ll admit, I’m tired but everyone I work with is in the same boat.
And they’re good people.
I like my boss (in case he ever reads this, which he won’t so being honest isn’t going to hurt my job) and of course it’s about the clients. 
I often say I don’t work WITH but work FOR developmentally handicapped adults.
Doesn’t mean they don’t piss me off.
It’s like a family member. They can piss me off but I still love them.
Jeff is still wonderful. I still get the "smiles" when he calls.
His ring is distinctive on the cell phone.
The Star Wars Main Theme (thank you John Williams). See how much influence SW had on me?
I still don’t see him as much as I’d like and I’m getting itchy for him to move in.
Nothing he doesn’t know so if he reads this he won’t be surprised. It will come in time, I need to remember patience.
Rufus, my sweet Rufus, is getting older.
I’m noticing more and more that he can’t move and act like he used to.
He could spring on the bed…now? Now he struggles.
When he gets down from the couch he limps slightly.
He takes the stairs both front paws at the same time. How I’ll miss him.
My friend Steve had to put down his baby this past week. Just hearing it made me cringe at the prospect of losing my baby.
The good thing about being a dog though is the humanity of euthanasia.
euthanasia -
1.
Also called mercy killing. the act of putting to death painlessly or allowing to die, as by withholding extreme medical measures, a person or animal suffering from an incurable, esp. a painful, disease or condition.
2.
painless death.
Painless death.
Can you imagine? When my mother died she gave one great big cough.
Blood came up.
Was she in pain?
Is that great big release of life painful?
I don’t know, I wish I did because the fear of it wouldn’t be hanging on me like a badly worn coat.
It’s not that I’m unhappy.
On the contrary. I’m VERY happy. Life is just wonderful.
The sun, music, the breeze all of it, I hold closely.
Now, when winter comes, we’ll see how good I handle it.
Best to all of you out there.
All for now…
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