That Was Then, This is Then
Posted on | June 8, 2010
Lately my dreams have mostly been revolving about my past. Sitting in the backyard of my childhood, as an adult, with family.
Conversations with my mother about mundane things like, “Have you called your sister?”
“I will, Mom, I promise.”
Banal banter until I realize that she’s, in fact, dead; and we shouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.
My adult self wandering about my grade school, looking for teachers that I thought were dead and thinking that everyone thinks I’m just a creepy old pedophile.
Not that my childhood was stellar, mind you. I was constantly berated, teased and calloused into submission. Add mocked and publicly humiliated and you have a full hand. The winner in the loser hand in the poker game of life.
Hell, someones gotta win, someones gotta lose.
Right?
About four weeks ago I bumped into my nemesis from grade school. This was the guy who got his goons to crawl behind me while he backed me up out of fear, only to topple me down. He recognized me and I wouldn’t have been able to pick him out of a police line up - but that didn’t matter. I didn’t even have the scars from the digs and prodding as residuals, it was just, plain, good to see him.
All the lessons in cruelty he taught me and I, as the grown up I’ve loath to become, (not that I loath myself, I just hate being a grown up) was just happy to reconnect.
He said something funny though. When a friend of his questioned who I was, I replied that he tortured me everyday. His response was, “No, I didn’t.”
I laughed, as I am wont to do in these kind of circumstances, and confirmed my story. He just stated, “I don’t remember those years. I’ve blocked them out.”
Isn’t it funny?
I remember, all of that childhood and for him it’s so different. I recall most of my formative years. Mostly public embarrassments but some of the good times as well.
I’d be hard pressed, mind you, with the proverbial auto-biography because I’m crap with dates and I’m sure that there must be some memories that are skewed.
Don’t we all do that?
God I hope so.
Playing the victim so well at times, I’m sure I’ve created some discrepancies which transformed me into a cholera orphan; living on the street and parent-less. But most of it is staggeringly clear.
Yes I was teased, pushed, punched, mocked (blah blah blah) but I’m not sure I’d trade it for anything. Now, that is, with time as a friend.
If I’d become the cool kid, in those formative years, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I don’t even blame the bullies. Not that the bullies shouldn’t be accountable but the breed that’s pushed out these days have become that different kind of monster of the facebook/youtube variety. They just didn’t exist in my generation.
They were the villain of the kinder, more civilized age. Gargamel, if you please.
The constant teasing (which was bad enough by the way) never crossed that line from villain to super villian - or maybe it did and I’m just not giving myself enough credit for surviving.
See?
There it is.
That damned orphan again.
All that matters is that I survived and I’m pretty, damned, grateful for who I am now.
And that’s gotta be good enough…
No, dammit, it IS good enough.
Comments
6 Responses to “That Was Then, This is Then”
Leave a Reply
June 9th, 2010 @ 1:18 pm
You are great …and believe me that guy does remember, he just can’t stand to look at himself back then …and the fact that he still can’t do it to this day, means you are even farther ahead than he will ever be.
Hugz
Nick
PS
…you need to post more …I love reading your blog …you have a great outlook on your life and life in general
June 12th, 2010 @ 2:22 am
Nick?
YOU JUST MADE MY NIGHT!
Thank you.
June 12th, 2010 @ 10:00 am
I’ve found that the best people I know now (including you!) - the most interesting, smart, funny people - were bullied, mocked, beaten up, etc. in school.
That’s because we were interesting - read, “different”. Public school kids have a huge desire for everyone to be the same as them, and beat you up if you’re not.
In the same way, the most boring people I know were the bullies.
If Maggie gets bullied (Oh, God, I hope not), I hope I have the courage to tell her, “The ones that are bullied now become the great people of the future.” Then I’ll go and kick the crap out of the kid that dared to touch her.
June 12th, 2010 @ 1:42 pm
Nick? tehe
…Yes Nick …we used to talk on 411 a long time ago
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/NickMeAllOver
June 12th, 2010 @ 1:44 pm
…Oh, and Sara …you are so right!
June 13th, 2010 @ 5:55 pm
Sara, just gimme their names. I’ll help.
Nick, yes I know
Where have you been? Are you still on there?