The Speed of “huh?”
Posted on | March 17, 2010
I’m tired.
Exhaustion is just the surface of what I’m feeling. I’ve been delving into homework and I can’t focus anymore. Research is melting into personal life, into minutia, and I’m somewhat overwhelmed.
How much is too much? How much is not enough?
I should have listened to my Mother and gone and done that University thing when I was younger because at my current age, my attention span, or care for that matter has gone-done the toilet.
I research. I study. I plan. I plot. I acquiesce. All for naught.
Still feeling like the slow, fat, kid in class, I struggle with concepts of what the teachers want. I try my best but there are things that I just don’t get.
I hate school. It sucks. I feel like I’m back in high school and I’m trembling at the next test. Why is school harder than life? When I was in the education system I worried about acne, being popular and getting good grades.
Ummmm, not much has changed.
I’m 42 years of age and I’m worried about THE SAME THINGS!
Today I found out that my work situation is changing and not that I didn’t think it was going to happen but when it was announced I became sullen.
I’m losing my current supervisor. And not that the one taking his place isn’t FANTASTIC and the PERFECT person to lead but I hate change.
You see, my current supervisor is - AMAZING1. Understanding and the person to say all the right things. He has that rare ability to criticize while making you feel like you’re the most awesome employee in all the world.
I’m going to hate losing him.
Why am I so resistant to change? To letting go and not embracing the new? It’s very frustrating.
Today I opened up about my hesitations and he said the right thing. How can I function without that? What if the new supervisor (whom I love) doesn’t have that same balance of making me feel small while, at the same time, make me feel like I’m the most valuable employee who ever existed?
I just hate change.
Four months ago I saw a psychic. I know, I know LaToya Jackson’s Psychic Friends aside - WHY OH WHY WOULD I LISTEN TO A PSYCHIC? But she predicted this. That he was the first to go in a line of people who I couldn’t imagine not being there. Even the people who drive me nuts the most and make so insecure about my abilities I’ve come to rely on.
His leaving is like losing a part of my family. It just aches.
I’m the type who relies on consistency and while I don’t mind the occasional hiccup, I resent the big ones.
My supervisor will never read this because he doesn’t follow this blog2 but I want it to be known that if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be where I am now.
However, because of my constant blubbering and gushing here and fro - he knows how I feel.
I’ll miss him. I’ll miss that sense of camaraderie. That sense that I can fuck? up and it’ll be OK.
But on to the future. You’ve led me down different paths and I’ve recovered.
I’m sure I will this time.
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