HELLO? Is Anybody There?
Posted on | August 17, 2009
The nature of being alone is never easy for one who finds comfort in background noises and distractions.
There are times we ache for our “alone time” and when it’s upon us we can either revel in it or seek to find alternatives.
The television playing loudly in the background, music that puts us in a memory of time and smell. Talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning that gives us comfort in the knowledge that silence may not be so golden.
But you’re still alone.
There may be white noise, that dehumidifier that hums. The computer fan that whirs when you open a new window on your desktop…you’re alone but you don’t feel SO alone.
I grew up as the youngest of seven children who were loud. LORD we were loud. My Mother used to lock herself in the bathroom, reading a book while we pounded on the door screaming, “She hit me!” Alec took my book!” “I need to pee!” But it was HER time. She had such a gift to drown out the essence of family for the space she needed.
And she needed it.
We were always pawing at her.
But when there’s no one around and you are, indeed, left with your own thoughts; well, it can be quite unnerving.
My thoughts can run rampant. It’s a Tom Cruise film. Not one of the meaningful, placid ones but the car crash, exploding building ones. I’m thinking the Mission Impossible series and not “Eyes Wide Shut”1
I work in a loud place and, sure, when I first get home that peace is quite nice but after a while it becomes fractured and shallow of breath.
Not one for self starting projects and now living life without “Dog” I’ve come to understand what loneliness truly is.
He was the catalyst for so many things. Being social, exercising, doing what I grumbled under my breath about having to do for so, very, long.
I’m far too extroverted to be the uni-bomber type. Coiled up in my cabin in the woods, ordering ?gun powder from ebay.
So I’m trying to find that joy in the quiet. That peace in the knowledge that noise will eventually find me, curled up in the fetal position in the corner, begging it to leave.
It does gives me comfort.
And when it’s not here I feel empty and yet when it arrives I resent it.
It’s that contradiction that defines me.
I’m strong, I’m weak.
I’m solid, I’m hollow.
I’m old and yet I’m young.
Coming to a conclusion here, I think.
I need others.
It might make me shallow and vacuous but it’s my family and friends that define me. And when they’re not around because they’re committing the holiest of sins - LIVING THEIR LIVES WITHOUT ME! I’m reminded that I’m less.
It’s been over four weeks and the loss of Rufus still taunts me like a carrot on a stick.
I’m chasing something that I will never reach.
Loneliness can be exhilarating. It can also be like clutching the pole, white knuckled and gasping for air.
I have to find the balance in the contradiction.
- which was a dirge, ohhhhhhhhhh what a dirge. [↩]
Comments
6 Responses to “HELLO? Is Anybody There?”
Leave a Reply
August 17th, 2009 @ 12:07 pm
“Language has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”
Paul Tillich
It’s all how you recharge your batteries. I’m an introvert, I recharge by being alone; you’re an extrovert, you recharge by being with people. Know who you are, and embrace it.
Love, Sara
August 17th, 2009 @ 1:53 pm
I love that quote. I would never think of you as an introvert. I guess the point of the story for me is how do I find that comfort in my solitude.
August 20th, 2009 @ 9:06 pm
Exactly. And yes, I’m an introvert that must work in an extravert job. Here’s the giveaway - you relax by going to a bar, while that makes me quite tense.
Speaking of joyful solititude, have you tried meditation?
August 20th, 2009 @ 11:06 pm
Robert - I am so terribly sorry to read about Rufus, Loss is never easy, especially when it’s a family member, as Rufus was to you.
Being and/or feeling alone. Fascinating topic and enjoyed reading your thoughts. Your thoughts become your reality. We may “feel” alone at times, but are we really? All that truly matters we already have, look within and you will find the answer. That sounds so “Madonnaish” doesn’t it? In reality though, it’s the truth.
August 21st, 2009 @ 4:24 am
Sara, I do meditation on, almost, a daily basis. Does it help? Yes…No. The love of friends helps so much more than you may realize.
David, thank you.
Are we alone? Yes AND no. There are some things so insanely private and solitary that even when those whom we love and recognize that we are loved in return still feel, “alone”.
There are dog owners who “understand” and I KNOW they understand but the feeling of loss is so personal that I feel they can’t truly understand.
It’s very selfish and horrible of me to not aknowledge their support.
I’ve come to discover that maybe I’m a horrible and selfish man.
August 22nd, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
Exsqueeze me? Baking Powder?
Not going to let you get away with that one, Rob.
Everyone experiences grief differently. That’s OK. Otherwise we’re all robots or Brave New World.
You are not selfish for feeling grief. For a dog or a human or anyone. So there. *Boot*