There By The Grace Of doG
Posted on | April 19, 2009
In the nightly ritual of walking my best friend1 I mutter to myself.
Now that my iPod is gone but not forgotten, I have more time to run things around in my brain.
Not necessarily a good thing, people.
It’s the time now that I rationalize my personality traits, both lacking and in ample supply.
You can rationalize anything, really, I’ve come to find out.
Suffered indignities aside; dogs really have it right.
“I want this, hmmm, let me piss on it.”
That’s their business card.
Urinate on something and it’s yours. “I was here. Let me know if you showed up.”
I’ve seen my pooch, tail seizuring, pushing out his waste. There’s no room for shame, shying here people. It’s right there for everyone to see…and hell, someone even picks it up for you.
Would I mind it if someone picked up my shit?
Came up and scooped up the mess I’d left behind.
No way!
And yes.
Damn!
Who wants to be saved? No one. It’s usually the self who want to do the saving.
But asking for help, that’s tough part.
I’ve been told, over and over, “You never ask for anything.”
Well that’s because when I do I usually get shot down. That’s not a bad thing, mind you but it leaves me shaking me head asking myself, “But they said, if I needed help…”
See, I’m great when someone says, “Ummm, can you…?”
I’m there. Like a subway train right on time, I’m there. Right on schedule.
But it’s when I need the train because, ‘God damnit, I’m going to be late’ that I’m stuck counting on others.
See, dogs HAVE NO CHOICE but to dependant. Well the domesticated ones, not scrounging the garbage cans and alley ways looking for a living, anyway.
I wish I was a dog. I mean, yeah their life must be filled with tedious moments with all that is sleep but, fuck, I could handle that.
Of course being so completely dependant on others must be a piss off.
Still though, what a great life it must be. To have food when you want it. To get walks and the occasional snuggle that keeps you energized. I wouldn’t mind being someone’s “bitch” for a bit. Probably a good life.
Oh but it’s that Angel on your left shoulder screaming in your ear, “NO! You must do it for yourself. That’s makes you strong.”
God, no wonder I drink!
The voices; I can’t stop the voices. “You should do this!” But then it’s countered by, “No, if you do that then this is who you are!”
Ask for help? God forbid. If you ask for help, you’re weak. Unstable. Lacking in strength. But isn’t it to ask for help that keeps you humble?
Ohhhhh, and don’t we feel obliged when help is given, even by family.
I know I do. And that’s why asking brings a level of shame I never thought possible. It was taught by my Mama at an early age, “Don’t ask and don’t accept.”
Maybe she was right.
See, I give to you there’s no payback2 but you give to me and you own me.
The funny thing is that when I ask, there’s that part of me that succumbs to my failure as a man3 but at the same time I’m proud of myself for shaking off the chains of the past; the voices that haunt me like last night’s broccoli. Repeating themselves over and over. “Don’t ask…don’t ask…”
I guess, just like my dog, I want my butt scratched and some kind of appreciation.
Is that so wrong?
No of course not. It’s letting go of that voice that tells me I’m winning the battle. With each day and ray of sunlight I remind myself, “the rain’s gonna pass. You may need an umbrella, galoshes and damned good water insurance but this too shall pass.”
I will tell you this. It is when I’m turned down for anything and I have to rely on only on me, I surprise myself and realize I can do it.
So it’s a good thing I’m not a dog. It would be easier but it’s not the life for me.
Sleeping on the couch, food bowl full of food even when the Master is hungry, sniffing butts4, acquiesce to someone else? Not me.
It’s sad but true.
I guess I really am I own man.
By fate, by destiny or just damned good timing.
This is me. Naked.
Did you see my tail wag?
- who can drive me nuts, by the way, with the amount of time he wants to go out - even in sub-zero temperatures. [↩]
- well maybe a little [↩]
- But what is a Man? I put that too you. [↩]
- contrary to popular belief, I don’t do that! [↩]
Comments
4 Responses to “There By The Grace Of doG”
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April 20th, 2009 @ 8:28 pm
Yeah I’ve seen that tail wag. Raarrrr.
April 20th, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
How could you write that for all the world to see? What will my family think????
HOW COULD YOU???
May 16th, 2009 @ 7:42 am
Really good read, nice to read a good blog at last!
May 19th, 2009 @ 1:44 pm
Thanks DCP. I’m glad you like. I enjoy the writing process. It’s nice to know others like what I write. You made my day!