Key Of Life
Posted on | December 2, 2007
Music is always the first casualty of my breakups.
Notice I put the plural?
Yeah, not proud of that one.
The songs that I identify with him or have shared and saw, on his handsome face, the eyes light up and the mouth widen at the corners.
Music has always been a catalyst for me to clone my mood or my feeling at the time.
So I’m going through my iTunes list and I can honestly say almost every song has some semblance of "us".
God I hate that word.
"Us."
It conjures up the thought of an old couple who wear the same polyester blended, maroon, track suits and sit there and finish each others sentences.
Of course if I hated it so much why on earth did I want it so fiercely?
I can’t play Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Michael Buble and a whole plethora of songs that remind me of him sitting across the counter.
So I’m relegated to the songs that were on the "B" list.
Even those songs have a memory though because I’d put the damned thing on shuffle and songs would pop up out of nowhere.
Like there is this obscure Jann Arden song that was softly playing in the background and it came up the other night and I remembered a casual conversation that we’d had.
It wasn’t even anything substantial but here it is reminding me.
I sure as hell don’t want to listen to upbeat, bubblegum, songs that right now have no meaning at all to me.
It’s not mirroring my mood so why would I manufacture it?
Now I’m still trying to get to that "happy place" that I’m desperate for a passport to enter but I will not force the situation and grasp a mood that isn’t organic.
The slow songs, the standards, the newer ones that seem to blend in with the dinner conversations; where it’s just playing in the background and you’re not entirely aware of its existence but if it wasn’t there you’d notice the silence.
I seem to be gravitating towards those.
Thank God he didn’t like Sam Harris.
At least that’s safe.
Something I tried to pawn off to him but like the smarter fish from his school, he didn’t take the bait.
Thank you, God for that. I don’t know what it is about his voice but it fills me and makes the hair on my arms stand up.
His phrasing, his tone, all of it just brings me back to my living room in Bramalea watching Star Search and thinking, "This man is a God!"
I remember going to the mall; this was after the show, after his big win, and walking in and just seeing his first album on Motown. 
I didn’t even blink when I pulled out my wallet and had that ten bucks to buy it.
I wore out the grooves on it.
My friend Richard came back from Florida with the CD and I still have it.
Not the reissue but the original from the 80’s. God that’s a long time ago.
Right now though Matchbox 20 is seeming to fit the mood. There’s this nice balance between anger and acceptance with Rob Thomas’ voice consoling me.
There’s an aggression, a fire that copies what I feel. Course he’s singing about a woman but what’s a pronoun among friends? "If You’re Gone" is playing right now. God it fits.
"If You’re Gone"
I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think I’m weak
But I think you’re wrongI think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I’m relaxed
I can’t be sureI think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I’m just scared
I think too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealingIf you’re gone maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone baby you need to come home
‘Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything youI bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need more than you mindI think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
I think I’m just scared
That I know too much
I can’t relate and that’s a problem
I’m feelingIf you’re gone maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone baby you need to come home
‘Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything you
I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my lifeAnd I think I’m just scared
I think too muchI know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing
If you’re gone maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone baby you need to come home
‘Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything you
That one line, "I thought this place was an Empire" is how I feel.
I let down so many guards even after all the pacifying to the contrary.
"I’m not going anywhere", I can’t get that out of my fucking head.
"Cuz there’s a little bit something me in everything in you." We were so similar.
Sometimes he wouldn’t have to talk, to say anything.
You can’t manufacture that, it’s the foundation that holds up the skyscraper.
So was I mislead?
Was I fooled?
God, I don’t know anymore.
"There’s an awful lot of breathing room but I can hardly move."
That one is so relevant.
I have a pretty good sized apartment. Walls that reach to the clouds but it’s still a fucking mess. 
It was funny and maybe even co-dependant but I’d clean so he’d have a nice place to come to.
It’s the reason I painted.
Yes, I enjoy my place and I’m proud of all the work I put into it but he was the seed of motivation to get it done. And now I get to stare at these walls
Another song of that belongs to them…this whole damned CD is oil painting my mood. The bold and italics REALLY echo in my brain.
"Leave"
It’s amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It’s unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
It’s aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
Tell me is that how it’s going to end
When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
And the one you’re leaving out
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
Maybe I’m just a good starting point.
I can help at the beginning of the race, become the starter’s pistol if that helps set the tone but after that, they’re on their own.
It’s up to them.
I said I was going to grab my own happiness back and I am.
I’m starting to laugh and smile again so that’s a good sign, isn’t it?
Damn it’s feeling like it’s taking forever.
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