SCOUNDREL A.D.
Posted on | September 28, 2008
Grabbing at the only possible life line I could, I saw the word “positive” and I was shocked.
No, it’s not me but someone I know.
“I’m positive.”
That’s what I saw on the 14″ wide, flat panel, L.C.D. screen and it took about three seconds for it to register.
Positive…
Didn’t see that one coming.
Then I started to cry.
Not for me, not for him but for this fucking disease that is still pervasive.
OK, fuck the disease, it was for him and it was for me.
I’m working my ass off here not to make it about me.
How can you look too tomorrow when it’s like they’ve been given an expiration date?
“GOOD UNTIL FEB. 18 2020″
There’s too much loss with age.
It’s hard enough that I’m forced out of my bed at three in the morning to pee, that my joints are stiffening, that I can’t do the splits or bound down the stairs like I used to.
Age gives with one hand but doesn’t it just fuck you over with the other?
You’re given the gift of wisdom, clarity and good ol’ FUCK YOU when it comes to waistline and other’s opinions.
But then you’re pummeled with disabilities.
How can I look at him and not see the disease? How could I look at myself and not see it?
When my Mother was dying and gaunt, sallow cheeked…it was all I could see. Oh I pretended to be strong but my Mother could see the reflection of her end in my eyes.
Like it was filmed by Spielberg. Maybe even Scorcese.
I’d have chosen Lucas but there’s not enough special effects to warrant the Master.
I tried to be shiny. Am I going to be that way again?
And the thing i s…
I’ve dealt with the “positive” person before and it never struck me like the knife. That’s a blessing for this man who remembers when it was called “gay cancer”. Who used to believe that I could get the disease by using a toilet seat; when knowledge of it became rumour and innuendo.
Just by being gay I was “tapped” as a carrier.
And it was almost a thing of Legend.
VENTICELLI 1: “Oh did you hear?”
VENTICELLI 2: “Can you believe?”
VENTICELLI 1: “It’s so sad!”
VENTICELLI 2: “How do you think he’s doing?”
VENTICELLI 1: “Have you seen him lately?”
VENTICELLI 3: “What happened too…?”
And the phone rings in your head and it doesn’t stop. It’s like you see “Brady Bunch” coloured boxes on the screen of all the people who you don’t want to tell but you want to use every shape and colour and scream until the mountain collapses.
“He has it! He who shouldn’t! No one should!”
Cancer sucks. Multiple Sclerosis sucks. Cerebral Palsy sucks.
IT ALL FUCKING SUCKS.
But the thing about the “big H” is that it’s perceived that somehow it was brought on by lurid, deviant, behaviour and even in the gay community that perspective has found it’s life preserver.
How many profiles on gay sites have I seen that discriminate, “HIV NEG - U.B.2.”?
And you want to punch those in the throat because they’re shouting…”SEE? I DISCRIMINATE BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE I’M CLEAN AND THEY’RE DIRTY!”
Stop it, God. Really, stop it.
!!!BUMPER STICKER ALERT!!!!
See, that’s all I can see.
There by the grace of God, go I. And I’m sorry if it’s so cliche that you can’t stomach it but it’s true.
I’ve been an idiot.
Booze took over, passion took over, the individual somehow bewitched me, drugs were involved.
What ever the reason…there by the grace…
I just know my friend, whom I love has it and now I want too, for the first time in 25 years, scream at the God’s in contempt.
I’ve seen people die from it. I’ve seen people get their diagnosis. I’ve seen people live with it on a daily basis but…
I’ve known people who…but!
I’ve loved people who…but!
But it’s him and that’s what hits.
And…and…fucking and…
You know no matter how old you get you still fuck up so if my nieces and nephews are reading…
You could be 70 years old and you’re always wondering, “how did I fuck that up?”
Everyone should read, “The Stone Angel” by Margaret Laurence.
Yes, Sara, I’m telling them….I know I know, I didn’t read it in grade 13.
But now…
It’s age defined at it’s best.
I fuck up.
You fuck up.
The secret is…
KNOW YOUR FUCK UPS!
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4 Responses to “SCOUNDREL A.D.”
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September 28th, 2008 @ 7:17 pm
Hun, I’m truly sorry for your friend, and I feel deeply for you.
We all know what this condition can wreak on your spirit, mind and body.
It is hard, but from someone who has faced the same shit, keep in mind, NOW it’s a manageable illness, just like diabetes.
People don’t die from this anymore. Thank God for that. They rarely even get horribly sick. More often than not, they’re a little bit put out, and the drugs can make them feel horrible for a bit, but it’s life they’re getting in exchange, not merely some existence.
The 80’s heralded some big scars for all of us. I’ve buried my best friend over a decade ago, and know the pain far too well. As most of us, I’ve put most of my past into a grave after long illnesses.
But I’m happy to know men and women now with that dreaded H that don’t have to worry anymore. It’s something to be concerned about, but no reason to bank on any expiry dates.
Another slogan for thought…
This too shall pass.
I love you dude. You’re in my prayers, as is your friend.
Dave.
September 28th, 2008 @ 10:20 pm
You’re right, Dave. Thanks. It was just the shock. We talked and he’s very steady with it.
October 6th, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
I don’t care how “maneagable” it gets, it’s still awful and a shock. My heart is with you, and I’m glad YOU are not positive!
Big virtual HUG
Rich
October 7th, 2008 @ 12:39 am
Thanks Rich. He’s handling it a helluva lot better than me.